Posts tagged Steph

Current Tunage: Common Children – Stains of Time
People missed this band. Late 90s. Alt/Indie/Emo/Whatever. The frontman went on to co-write “God of Wonders”, one of a handful of modern worship songs that isn’t utterly out to lunch. I’m tempted to suggest that most of this album (DelicateFade) trumps that anthem in leaps and bounds, this song included.

In the past, I’ve written extensively (to painful lengths) on the subject of singleness. After all, as one brought up amidst a functional and healthy nuclear family as well as a loving evangelical community, singleness in some ways is an anomaly. An anomaly in the sense that the importance of quality marriage and lifelong covenant were emphasized not only in speech but in the excellence of action all around me. This is not for a moment to suggest that there is something wrong with single people, far from it, but throughout those days there was always with me an unease at my state. Not because it was wrong, simply because it was not the best or most healthy thing for me (as some who are close to me might very well be able to testify). One of my most profound fears during those times was simply that, in the end, I would have to just go it alone. I can recall one particular night, lying awake at 4am with the weight of the world on my mind, wondering in prayer if God and I would make it through the whole ordeal. If my faith would survive the mess of singleness. I knew what I was looking for, but whenever I found it there was always the catch of the person embodying those qualities having no interest whatsoever. Few and far between are those who are called and created to live a life of permanent singleness, and I’ve never once felt I numbered among them.

Revelation 3:15-16 ESV
“I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth.”

The gospel is an offense, and I mean that in the most magnificent way possible. The gospel requires all of me, and if I’m not willing to give everything, then (at least if I read those verses in Revelation correctly) I may as well just be a moral hedonist and ditch this whole Jesus trip. I know numerous people who have done just that, and to some extent I respect them. At least they counted the cost and dealt with it in a straightforward manner. How much of my life have I wasted claiming to follow Christ but really not giving a rip? And on the train of thought goes.

Christ wants everything, and when it came down to it for me, I came to a point where I realized that I didn’t have it in me to give everything without tangible support… simply because I’m not strong enough to go it alone. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, more likely just a part of human design to a large extent. I want to be all-in… whenever I’m not all-in with Christ, life loses something utterly and intangibly excellent.

Lately I have been discovering and re-discovering how numerous the benefits of being responsible for leading (and being in) a relationship are. The thing that stands out in my mind most often is simply how impossible it is – that is, how completely impossible it is for me to do it properly in and of myself. Unless I’m relying daily on Christ, I can and most likely WILL fail miserably at each step.

I’m leading into a few practical observations. After all these past years of what I like to call “Theorycrafting” (ie. figuring out all the mechanics of how a relationship should work and be worked on), I’ve met the crucible of actually doing what I’ve theorized. For the most part I’ve found my past conclusions correct, though as with anything, the reality tells a lot more than the theorizing.

So, here are two of my observations a month or two into an intentionally clear and fairly quick-paced relationship. I call them “Heart Campaign” and “Stage War” (I’m a big fan of battle – tactics, strategy, mashing stuff in the face… all that good warfare-type stuff):

Heart Campaign: Provided you’ve made your intentions and thoughts clear as regularly and often as possible (and whenever they change or progress even slightly), a crucial component of pursuit is what I like to call a “Heart Campaign”. Essentially, this is the regular practise of anticipating and answering potential questions from the mind of the one you are in pursuit of. By means of example, anticipating her questions: “Do you find me beautiful?”, “Does you like/love me?”, “Will you fight for and defend me?”, and other such questions. Develop the practise of considering them carefully and with great trepidation. Ask yourself if you find her beautiful, if you like/love her, if you are prepared to fight for her, and the like. Answering her questions for yourself and for her before she gets to the point of needing to ask them is the final step. The whole idea is that you set her mind at ease regularly and before it is troubled. Ultimately, the Heart Campaign is a cycle that is repeated whenever you anticipate a new question that will arise from developments in the relationship. The foundational idea is that in doing so you train yourself into the habit and pattern of compensating for potential issues before they are able to solidify. Why is this a heart campaign? Because you’re trying to, among other things, win her heart. Feel free to call me on this, but unless I’m mistaken, heart capture requires stability, clarity, and transparency. This is one way of establishing and maintaining all three.

Stage War: If someone had asked me three months ago if I’d even consider going out with someone at a different “life stage” than I’m at, I would most likely have said no. Obviously, my opinion has changed since. I realized that such a restriction was *extremely* counter-productive and definitely not a “deal breaker”. Taking stock, I looked at those around me and saw all manner of combinations of people… and realized that most of them weren’t at matching life stages when they met, nor when they married. I’m not really talking about age here, after a certain point (somewhere between being a teenager and not being one anymore) age is more or less inconsequential. What really matters is life stage. What matters, not what prevents or disables. I’ve been dwelling on this a lot lately, since I’m a fully intentional participant in a relationship which features a glaring and obvious case of mismatched life stages. Allow me to explain. I’m in my third of four years at University, studying stuff I love, paying the bills (or rather, the tuition and books), and generally with no money to my name as a result. The place where I’ve managed to break the “studential mold” is that I’ve managed to completely avoid debt. How I’ve managed to do that is rather simple and rather complicated at the same time – it’s a combination of continuing to live at home (thus avoiding rent or residence fees as well as most food costs) as well as working part-time year round. It hasn’t always been “pleasant”, but most of the time I get along far too well with my fam, and enjoy my work a great deal, so it’s not painful by any stretch of the imagination. My dear Steph, on the other hand, has been teaching primary grades for some time now. As in, she’s done school. As in, completely different and non-studential stage of life. Mismatch! Oh no! When the possibility of pursuing her first crossed my mind, that was the first thing I thought about. And, indeed, it’s a big deal. How on earth could I hope to provide for the emotional and financial needs of someone who is already well established? How could I maintain my personal commitment to quick-paced and intentional relationship building if by necessity that would mean being in a place to provide for a family conceivably before even being done school? How could I hope to lead and be the (pro)visionary for someone at such a different phase, a phase beyond my own scope of reference? A lot of heady questions, to be sure. I don’t have a thorough and all-encompassing set of answers, but the bottom line is this: Stage is a big deal, but it is by no means a deal-breaker or an insurmountable challenge. It requires give on both sides; an absolute commitment to clarity in the relationship, and it definitely requires both parties be set on upholding the biblical pattern for such things as headship, submission, intimacy, child-rearing, and the mechanics of procuring and handling finances in a way which honours God. What does this look like? Well, for me it means, among other things, finding work as soon as possible (I don’t regret my decision to leave CH for one second, it was one of the best calls I’ve ever made, difficult as it was and as much as I love it there). It means “growing up” on a more intentionally rapid pace than I’d perhaps followed in the past. It means constantly evaluating my own maturity and ability to lead effectively in what could concievably be a rather complicated relationship… and also it meant choosing to pursue someone fully capable of helping and encouraging me to do all those things to the best of my ability by God’s enabling. I did choose that. I’m glad I did. In the War of Stages, I’ve found myself fighting alongside a close friend and the God of the universe. So far, victory cries are the norm.

Conclusion: And so, those are my observations thus far. Theory was fun, practice is funner… and a lot more difficult/strenuous/hard/deep/rewarding. I wouldn’t trade this phase for the past one for anything, but I couldn’t do what I’m doing now were it not for that phase. Both are vital and necessary. If you’re single reading this, keep fighting. There are wars ahead you need to be ready for, and most of them are in your head, your heart, and your unrealistic expectations. Look to Christ, press on, and keep waiting actively – not sitting around, but working hard toward the family goals you have in mind. Play the man.

When the sunshine burns the darkness
Remove the veil that lingers on Your face
The stains of time still mark us
Standing in the aftermath of grace

Do you want to hear these stories
Of love and our mistakes?
Will you show us all Your glory
To soothe and to erase
The stains of time
-Common Children “Stains of Time”