Posts tagged Marriage

Current Tunage: Further Seems Forever – How To Start A Fire
Catching the fruits of our labors, Holding our hearts in our hands.
Waiting for you to sound a prayer in the form of an anchor
Replied by holding you up, in red skies bound by love.
We’ll learn how to start a fire, shine so bright we burn in eyes.

Well, after “setting the stage” a couple days ago… it’s time to move on to something new, but related. As I said, [Thursday's Post] is the product of months of struggle, study, listening to godly men, reading various works, processing, and ultimately God working and moving in and through his people. The stuff I’m sharing today is quite different; in that it is not the result of months of such things, but rather the result of very recent processing… and again, ultimately God at work to bring glory to Himself.

The core ideas were conceptualized yesterday during the Men’s Breakfast at Westmount, tempered and roughed in as a result of thorough discussion with Shane on the way to Orillia, and have now been fleshed out more completely after some study of my first year soteriology notes and definitions as well as relevant passages in the Scriptures (with prayer throughout these processes, inevitably). As always, I’m indebted to John Piper, Mark Dever, and CJ Mahaney (DesiringGod.org) for the honing of many of these thoughts, and to the Lord for words and wording and His Word through which we understand such things. This isn’t by any means a full consideration of these concepts (or even a good one arguably), but it’s the beginning stages of unearthing what I think is some pretty relevant and useful/practical truth. Some of it will be slight repetition, as there is definitely some carry-over from previous stuff, but the core concept is new to me. It is challenging me, and I pray it will challenge you also.

Update from the next day: I must emphasize that the following stuff is pretty raw and is only a starting point for exploring the implications of extending the biblical marriage metaphor into the time preceding marriage. I’ve refined many of these points even in one day since so take them with a grain of salt.

[Foundation: The Basis]
So, let’s introduce where we’re coming from, and get started. Start here:

Ephesians 5:22-32
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

Building on what I talked about a couple days ago, I’m working under the following conclusion from this passage in Ephesians 5: The Scriptures clearly lay out an analogy wherein Christ’s relationship with the Church reflects on the biblical institution of marriage. By making use of this Biblical analogy, we will examine Christ’s pursuit of relationship with fallen man – what attitudes and practical actions did He use to win his Bride? In analogy – what did Christ do in order to save people from the severance from God caused by their sins and reconcile them to Himself in Salvation (thus entering them into membership as a part of the Church)? I believe that looking into His example of pursuit, we will find guidelines and standards which we can then justly and intently apply to our own pursuit of a godly woman. This is not a series of specifics or a “checklist” of things to do, but rather we will be examining the overarching attitudes and mindsets which we as Single Men must adopt if we intend to pursue a godly woman.

Our first extension of the analogy comes from this truth: Christ’s relationship to the individuals who comprise the church began before they were a part of the church – ie. before salvation. I’m basing this claim from here:

Ephesians 2:4-7
But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ–by grace you have been saved– and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

There was time when each member of the Church was not a part of the Church – ie. we were not yet saved/converted, we were dead in our trespasses. Nor had the Spirit of God begun the work of regeneration wherein he enables people to come to understanding of the mysteries of the Scriptures and of the Lord. Prior to God initiating regeneration within them, Believers were utterly cut off from Christ.

Similarly, in a Single Man’s pursuit of a godly woman, there will be time before they marry. This includes, but I believe is not limited to, “haven’t even met yet”, friendship, relationship, and engagement. Until a woman is in fact your wife, she is first, foremost, and primarily your Sister in Christ and your obligations to her flow out of that prioritization. I base this on the fact that one is either entirely saved and therefore a part of the church (Christ’s “bride”), or is completely neither. We are either alive in Christ, or dead in sin. She’s either your wife or she is not your wife. There is no middle-ground positionally.

So, what does such a prioritization of our Sisters in Christ, put into practice, look like? Or, How did Christ pursue believers before they believed?

Having examined the precursor stages, let’s now move into initiation and pursuit, which are marked by two key attitudes – Sacrifice and Servanthood:

In Romans 5:8 Paul establishes to believers that “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” This strongly implies that Christ loved the Church and died in order to reconcile it to Himself, before he began to regenerate them (and indeed before 99% of them were even born onto the earth). This love and reconciliation takes place in the context of a relationship, one which evidently existed in spite of those who are now believers not being aware of it, or even being physically alive yet to take part in it. Furthermore, it must be emphatically emphasized and magnified that Christ DIED ON THE CROSS; In this infinite sacrifice which is exempt from any chronological boundaries, Christ appeased and removed the wrath of God against the sin of each person whose personal and individual sins would be placed upon Him (ie. true believers; the Church). In doing so, he performed the penultimate sacrifice; enduring the suffering of infinite punishment and death in his infinite deity – in a finite period of time but infinitely effective for all time and eternity. Thus, He created the objective basis whereby God might forgive sins, justify sinners, and redeem the elect into an adoptive, sanctifying relationship with Himself.

Similarly, in a Single Man’s pursuit of a godly woman, you are to, in essence, love your wife before she is in fact your wife. You begin by “Seeking Christ and Finding your Everything in Him”, and by doing so with a sacrificial attitude: give expecting (preferring?) nothing in return; being willing not only to do whatever He asks and believe whatever He says, but also being willing to “lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:1-2). Being willing to sacrifice pet sin, habitual sin, and ultimately anything which hinders our walk with the Lord. Giving Him our everything… as Derek Webb reminds us: God wants all the things we “just can’t” give Him. The starting point for pursuit is sacrifice – cutting all the fat and destroying all the debris in our spiritual lives. This attitude is to drive the Single Man as he begins and progresses through the stages of pursuit. As Christ, through sacrifice, laid sin to rest at the Cross, so we must also be living sacrifices and put sin to death. There is no greater enemy to a Single Man in pursuit… than his own sin; live sacrifice. This is the key not only to true life, but also to accessing the wisdom and guidance of the Lord which is vital in the pursuit of any relationship. We are to live “as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship … be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Romans 12:1, 2)

To further make this point, I must re-emphasize and make much of the fact that Christ died for the Church before it was saved. In the same way, as we approach a godly woman we must recognize that doing so places a call on us to sacrifice not only before marriage, but before it is even clear to us whom the Lord would have us marry: To sacrifice sin in our lives, to sacrifice impurity of all sorts, to sacrifice selfishness, to sacrifice foolishness… to maintain an attitude that anything that we are which does not conform to Christ is expendable.

What does this sacrificial approach look like in practical terms? Selfless Servanthood.

Philippians 2:1-7
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.

As, through sacrifice, sin is removed and with it all barriers to the Lord’s guidance and enabling, the Single Man enjoys the inevitable process of conforming more and more to the likeness of Christ. In this, he will find himself more and more predisposed to the attitude and “mind” of Christ Jesus – the form of a servant. Selfishness dies in pursuit, and with it many of the problems that plague so many. As selfishness in a Single Man dies, so likewise dies falsehood and forgery, unwillingness to communicate truthfully or be vulnerable, and many more things too numerous to list here. Christ, the ultimate Servant King, presented to mankind the “fullness of deity” (Colossians 1:19), in other words: the full reality of God’s character and person. Similarly, as a servant in pursuit, the Single Man is to present himself truthfully and vulnerably – not shying away from sharing his heart, as it conforms more to the likeness of the heart of God, recognizing the destructiveness of residual sin. Such clarity and heart-sharing must be done carefully though, as Philippians has shown us the necessity of understanding the “interests of others” and 1 Peter 3 has shown us the vitality of preserving, protecting, and guarding them. We are not to smother, over-reveal, or impose emotional attachment by any means, but to deal honestly and in a manner which portrays who we truly are in an accurate manner, and in a way which honors the Lord and also the one we pursue.

Certainly, there is a progression from complete darkness to the moment of salvation, and likewise there will be a measure of progression in the relationship between a couple as they move towards marriage. This progression will include increasing vulnerability, prayer, commitment, and understanding. However, relational progression leading up to marriage does not include progression of any of the positional benefits exclusive to marriage. Just as one who is not saved does not partake in the benefits of salvation until they are, in fact, saved. In practical terms, I believe this primarily speaks to the physical relationship, since that is the most explicit exclusivity to the marriage relationship. Christ’s relationship to a future member of the Church is not one of union or any kind of partial union; it is only once we are saved and become a part of the church that such a state is reached. In other words: prior to marriage, there shouldn’t be a physical relationship, other than what is appropriate for a brother and sister (A brother and sister in Christ).

Song of Solomon 4:12
A garden locked is my sister, my bride, a spring locked, a fountain sealed.

Increasing vulnerability, prayer, commitment, and understanding does not allow for a parallel increasing of physical intimacy.

Finally, we understand through passages such as this that the members of Christ’s bride (the Church) are eternally secure in that status, as a result of the fullness of His work. Eternal Security is also ours as a result of the incredible manner in which He finishes what He begins, and sees every one of His covenants, promises, and commitments through to the end:

Ephesians 1:13-14
In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.

Similarly, in a Single Man’s pursuit of a godly woman, I believe we are called to be committed to see things through; to whatever end the Lord may have in His mind. Whether His plan is mutual and amicable severance, or a continuing friendship (just friendship), or marriage itself. Our primary concern is the execution of His will and doing that which brings Him most glory as He leads us. We are not to be like the world and to believe in maintaining “Options”, but rather as we understand the exclusivity of marriage, when we place the affections of our mind upon an individual, in doing so we must also commit to devoting ourselves to that singular pursuit – being focused, and refusing to entertain the possibility of other options as we seek to progress in sacrificial and selfless servanthood: vulnerability, prayer, commitment and understanding.

In essence, the pursuit of God’s relationship with his Bride, the Church, was characterized to the core by sacrifice and servanthood. This is seen not only in the manner He approached and initiated, but also very much in His eventual pursuit and salvation of our souls. These twin themes of sacrifice and servanthood underlie every facet of application. Our pursuit of a godly woman (and indeed our pursuit of any human relationships), from the moment of first contact until the instant we die, should be marked by these two mind states, these two attitudes – the mind/attitude of Christ Jesus in his pursuit of us unto salvation. Sacrificial Servanthood. Additionally, until a person is a member of the Church, they have no union with Christ – in the same way our pursuit of a godly woman should be marked by complete purity. Finally don’t be split-minded and distracted by options and possibilities; focus, purpose, and commit to seeing the Lord’s will realized for your pursuit – whether that purpose is amicable severance, continuing platonic friendship, or marriage itself.

Titus 2:6-8
Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled. Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us.

Titus 2:11-15
For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works. Declare these things; exhort and rebuke with all authority. Let no one disregard you.

As always, such things as these we have just examined are impossible, apart from the power of God at work within. Let us understand how incapable we are, as Single Men, of realizing these things in our lives apart from throwing ourselves into the grace of Christ and asking Him to lead, guide, and empower us to sacrifice, serve, exude purity, and commit to seeing His will accomplished and Him glorified ultimately through our pursuit.

1 Timothy 4:12
Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.

May we accurately reflect the way He pursued us.

“I should go to sleep, I’m running out of
Time waits for no one.
I might not wake up next to you…
Excuses, excuses, excuses, excuses make excuses for eating your young:
Let’s lick the wounds and find out where we came from.
When Copperas has faded I hope you’ll still be by my side
This is not dystrophy but desire, desire for comfort in the dark
Call me a mockingbird, and it’s done.”
-Further Seems Forever “The Deep”