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Current Tunage: City & Colour – Comin’ Home
Heard this on a wee promo vid for the mighty, mighty 614 TPK. Loves it, I does.

Happy Valentines Day (“TIIIINES, TIIIINES, TIIIINES… TINES’D!”). Happy Singles Awareness Day. Today reminds me of two things, basically:

1. I love Steph, and I am so blessed to have her. She’s far better than I deserve and, I’m discovering, everything I need in someone to share my life with.

2. Some twisted part of me misses being really embittered (and/or faking bitterness) about women. In a strange, bizarre, probably wrong sort of way… it was really fun, particularly because it was always so half-hearted and thus full of tensions internal and external. It was a great dramatic exercise, at very least.

I just spent a few minutes ploughing through my past February 14th posts… and was reminded of a ‘sessay’ I wrote for my Counselling course in 2nd Year at KLBC. I decided to share it with you on this day, both as a farewell to singleness (a farewell I’ll freely admit to be sweet and poetic) and as a reminder of the value of taking risks to build bridges to others.

Essentially, it amounts to a lot of my running thoughts at the time on the subject, partially from my own experience mixed with careful evaluation of “what’s really going on here”. I’ve cleaned it up in small ways for presentation here (including removal of the references, many of which are defunct – feel free to email me for them if you like). Otherwise, it’s mostly unchanged. I can’t say it’s my finest writing, but I think that most of what I said is as true or even more true now than it was back in ’05. Here goes.

In a sense, being alone is not something human beings were designed for. Often people make a very distinct connection between being alone and feeling lonely, as if the one necessitated the other. It is evident that this is an over-simplification, however, when we consider that often people will choose to be alone in solitude for a time, and yet people rarely choose to feel lonely. Clearly, being alone and feeling alone are two very different things. Loneliness is the latter – loneliness is the feeling of alone-ness. This feeling can be caused by reality or imagination; by actual circumstances or by unconscious (or even conscious) decisions. It can be present when you are alone, but it can also be present when you are surrounded by all sorts of people – when you’re in a crowd or on a bus or walking around downtown. This should tell us, if nothing else, that loneliness is a complicated and complex feeling that isn’t easily defined.

Loneliness can be characterized by feelings of sadness, emptiness, loss, severance, even complete isolation. Very rarely will anyone list a positive feeling when the concept of loneliness is brought up. In fact, I would go so far as to say that anyone who has felt loneliness… who has felt the pain of separation or the emptiness of solitude knows at least in some way what God was talking about when He said “It is not good for the man to be alone” . This statement was not some kind of observation on God’s part made after years of human interaction, but rather a simple statement of general fact by the Creator about His creation – it is not good for human beings to be alone. They were designed to be in community, in social interaction, in fellowship. Loneliness feels negative and wrong because it is unnatural – we were designed to be social creatures that interact with others. Feeling as though we are alone (whether we actually are or not) is not normal to us, we know it is not the way things are supposed to be, so when we feel it, we feel like something is wrong or out of place. Certainly, there is much to be gained from being alone in solitude for a time, but the truth of our design still rings clear: we were made to be social, we were made to be with others, not alone or solitary. God gave us the ability to communicate through our voices, our bodies, and our thoughts – all so that we would be able to interact with others and with Him. That even He seeks a relationship with us speaks volumes about our need to be with others, to interact and to coexist. Community, relationship, social interaction; all these things are a vital part of God’s created order. When these things are removed, taken away, or are absent for an unreasonable period of time, people experience loneliness – it is almost a sense that something is wrong; that we are being deprived of something we were designed to be surrounded by.

Loneliness is a lot of things, but ultimately it boils down to a feeling, not a necessarily a state of being. Loneliness is a complicated feeling. Sometimes we just feel the absence of someone we wish was around, but other times loneliness is more of a general awareness that our need for connectedness is not being met in our current circumstance. When estranged from the people we love, for instance, we might feel lonely despite being surrounded by all kinds of acquaintances or even close friends. It might even be that we feel lonely because of the absence of just a single person, despite being surrounded by friends and family. Human beings, as social and interactive creatures crave interaction, but they also tend towards seeking deep and meaningful relationships. The depth of such relationships intensifies any touch of loneliness felt in the absence of the other person. Loneliness might also occur because of exclusion from a group, or from being in a group that doesn’t meet your social needs. Arguably, loneliness can also be caused from inside – some people feel loneliness because in their minds they have alienated all those who would be their friends, or because they have simply decided that they are alone in the world when in actual reality they are not. Loneliness is a passive feeling as well. A passive feeling that, if it is not dealt with, it will likely grow. Because we feel it in response to real or perceived deprivation of what we innately need, the longer we feel lonely, the lonelier we feel – it compounds and increases if we leave it un-checked. Because of this, loneliness is one of many feelings that can feed depression. Whether outward causes or inner ones, loneliness are a common and pervasive problem in today’s world, not only to experience and struggle with, but also to help someone out of.

Having considered the intricacies of this complicated feeling, we now must consider how we can help someone who is struggling with loneliness. Before any progress can be made, one standard must be met: the counselee must admit their problem. If they cannot come to terms with their own issue, no ground can be made on it, and there is functionally little point in continuing. It may take some careful and gentle work to bring this out, but unless there is admittance of an issue, no issue can be dealt with. Feeling lonely is not looked highly upon in our culture – we are all connected through numerous means from cell phones to instant messaging and so there is an underlying assumption that everyone has plenty of people to communicate and share with. People who feel lonely might be hesitant to see or admit their problem because it might, at least to them, seem to be an admission of failure in embracing the many methods of communication and connection offered to them, an admission of being socially inept or unattractive, or perhaps even something more grandiose and full blown due to the loneliness not being dealt with for an extended period of time. Whatever the reason, don’t be surprised if your counselee is slow to admit their problem with loneliness, and don’t force it out – be careful and gradual in your search for the problem.

As with most problems that lend themselves to counseling, understanding the causes and symptoms of loneliness aids the counselor in helping the person struggling with it. Loneliness has, as we’ve already touched on, many causes. On one hand we have outward causes – the loss of loved ones, geographical separation from our friends and family (most commonly when heading off to university or college for the first time), rejection by peers, and all those sorts of things. On the other hand we have the inward causes – the subconscious decision that nobody likes me, pushing everyone who wants to be near us away, focusing all our attention on people who are unreachable instead of those close by, and the like. The causes of loneliness cross the spectrum – they can be social (media disassociation, ease of mobility, technology impeding regular communication), developmental (lack of attachment, acceptance, or perceived skill), psychological (damaged self-esteem, difficulty communicating effectively, harmful attitudes, fear), or even situational (young people leaving home for the first time, obsessive workaholics). Regardless of whether the cause is outward or inward, or what form they take, loneliness must be assessed and dealt with at its root – its ultimate cause. This will be different in each case, and will rarely if ever be as simple as the examples given above. But to truly deal with the feeling of loneliness, the cause must be made clear to the one struggling with it so that they can be then equipped to deal with that root cause. Only then can the causing issue be dealt with by the counselee, and understood and addressed by the counselor.

The best way to go about discovering this cause is by being as non-confrontational and directive as possible – ask probing questions that require answers that will help you piece together what has created this feeling in the person. Do your best to get a sense of the depth (or shallowness) of relationships involved. Try not to put emphasis on these causes in a way that is condescending or incredulous – not everyone has as easy a time making friends or feeling accepted as you might. Similarly, avoid the temptation to pry too deep into the roots with your questions (root canals hurt), but instead far enough that you can properly understand the situations and circumstances that have resulted in this person’s loneliness. You do not want to open any wounds unnecessarily – make questions you’re not sure of optional to ensure that the counselee feels safe and not infringed upon. Make sure you utilize the skills you have learned in your formal training, such as listening, trying to really understand what the other person is communicating, avoiding trying to solve the problem prematurely, and so on. Lonely people, just like anyone else with a problem of feelings and emotions, often have difficulty opening up about what’s going on inside them – be patient and understanding, recognizing that you may not (and indeed probably won’t) reach the root cause for a few sessions. Give them time; let them go through the process of searching themselves out and getting themselves to the root of their problem – never assume they already know what it is, as it is usually just about as shrouded to them as it is to you.

Once they (and you along with them) have discovered the root of their loneliness, you can begin to assess what kind of things would help them overcome the feelings. It may be best at this point to end the session, leaving room for both of you to mull over your discovery – time for the counselee to discover and see for themselves the connections between the cause and their loneliness itself, and time for you to think of possible things that would help deal with the root issue such as it is causing them to feel lonely. When you meet again, have them describe to you some of the things they discovered between sessions in as much depth as they feel comfortable – this should provide even more insight to you that you can use to help them effectively.

In any case of loneliness, some general guidelines serve the counselor well as they try to help the counselee. Target their thinking – what attitudes and patterns of thought are complicating their condition by making them less and less likely to interact meaningfully or more and more likely to wallow in their feelings? Firmly and tranquilly challenge those thoughts and attitudes with positive and uplifting truth. Once the negative thoughts have been addressed, they must be replaced with positive and productive ones – the person’s self-esteem needs to be built. By this time you should have noticed some things about the counselee that are positive gifts and abilities, or positive traits and features of the person. Encourage them to develop these skills and character traits. Encourage them to step out of their patterns and reach out to others – whether it is to family or friends they’ve been neglecting, or new people they seek out. People recovering from loneliness are often going to have to take some risks to get them back into healthy interaction – sometimes relationships need mending, sometimes connections need to be re-established, and sometimes they have to forge a new circle of friends from scratch. Sometimes this will require coaching of sorts, sometimes this will require some help developing social skills (or re-developing lost ones) – both of these the counselor can assist in.

The Western world we live in breeds loneliness. We are all so connected through instant messaging, email, text messaging, cell phones, and just about every other conceivable form of interaction – yet just as quickly as we discover new ways to share information, we are losing touch with each other in reality. As more and more of our communication becomes anything but face-to-face, our ability to handle relationships in real life wanes, and consequently loneliness can do nothing but become more widespread. After all, does someone really know me when they only know me through the written word or through the sound of my voice over a thin copper phone line? We live in a culture of avoidance – people don’t greet each other when they pass on the sidewalk, they won’t look their cashier in the eye at No Frills or Blockbuster, and they are increasingly avoiding the people they should be closest to in favour of electronic acquaintances that are non-threatening and require no commitment or stressful face-to-face interaction. Honestly, we can only see loneliness becoming more and more of a problem in our culture and even in our Christian circles unless we replace our priority (personally and corporately) on real life human interaction. We need to encourage lonely people to interact socially on a meaningful level, and a large part of that is by doing it ourselves. The best way to learn to interact socially is to do it, a lot, and that will mean risks. Regardless of whether we are officially counseling or not, we will have to deal with lonely people, probably sooner rather than later. We need to reach out to the lonely people around us – sometimes their loneliness can be solved with something as simple as one person befriending them. It can be that easy.