Current Tunage: Linkin Park – What I’ve Done
I must say, they’re quite a bit more bearable without the rapping. Oh, and minus the NuMetal. That, and it’s also without the transcendent negativity of previous work (except my beloved “Somewhere I Belong”, of course)… which is to say: the new album might actually be bearable in full. Here’s hoping; They were always promising.

The following is my thoughts on this “Goodest of Fridays”.

The annual Easter Conference, put on by the local Assemblies (ie. “The Brethrens of Peterborough”) was this morning. Arthur Dixon gave the message, primarily from the second half of John 20 – talking essentially about what Good Friday *requires* of us – namely, the Great Commission: “So send I you.” It was challenging, and immediately relevant irregardless of inner context I’d say.

That being said, I think my favourite part of the annual conference is the chance to catch up with “The Brethrens of Peterborough” (as I’ve just now taken to calling them apparently). It’s always good to see old friends, not to mention make new ones (ie. people who you’ve gone to class with all year but never talked to until today… yeah). Pro styles.

AND WITHOUT WARNING, HERE’S SOME UNNECESSARY HONESTY:
(I’m hoping it goes down real, real smooth)

Almost every period of significant and consistent spiritual growth in my life has been accompanied by a variety of constants amidst many variables. One constant factor, in particular, has been present each and every time – a girl. Being as vague and neutral as I can (to preserve them and implicate myself) I’ll proceed as carefully as I can. They were different people each time, under different circumstances and at different phases of life, but all of them were similar in a few ways:

1. Godly. Loves Jesus and wants to put their life to use in His service, manifested in a passion for missions and evangelism.
2. Wise. Which, at the most basic level, means they were capable of advising me; and often did – subtly or otherwise.
3. Intelligent. To the point of brilliance, in the areas God has gifted them.
4. Beautiful. Obviously it’s banal to put all your stock in this one, but to discount it is not only dishonest, it’s foolish.

What I’m getting at here is simple:

Jerry + Object of Interest = Profound, Intense, Consistent Spiritual Life Emphasis.

Jerry – Object of Interest = Shaky, Wavering, Inconsistent Spiritual Life Emphasis.

Why? Simple. I’m wired (and not erroneously, I think) with a good goal in life: To be a godly husband and father. That’s a good goal. I have other good goals in life also, but that’s one of my favourites. It’s one that (evidently) is capable of provoking incredibly good spiritual emphases in my everyday life. Good goal, but bad motive for growth.

Why a bad motive? Simple. I’m not going to get hyper-theological here, but God wants me to chase after Him for Him, not for her (whoever she ends up being, if anyone at all). There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be the best husband and father I can be (someday), but letting that goal drive my spiritual growth is fraught with problems. For starters, experience has proven that when that goal is the driving force, it’s utterly contingent on the presence of an object of interest. No object? Little/no growth. That, quite simply, is very much not a good thing. It’s a lesson He’s tried to teach me twice in the past, quite directly, but I think I’ve never really gotten it until just within these last few weeks (and even that will have to stand the test of time).

Why do I share this? Simple. This is me, drawing a nice black line in the proverbial sand, and saying something I feel is quite profound, but will need outside support for:

Darling,
I’m sorry to say this, but my heart is deceitful above all things, and in my selfishness I abuse the concept of you. I’ve learned that I use you as a basis for desiring God, often. This not only self-destructs my mind and sabotages my long-term growth, it also causes me to hurt sisters I care dearly about. So, I’m sorry to say this, but for the time being (this could take awhile), you’re out. Out of my mind, out of my heart, out of my system. I need to be alone, and I need to want God for God, not just for you. This is going to be painful, since in removing you, I’m ripping a part of myself out… but it’s necessary if we’re ever going to be able to do the things I know we need to do with our life. Thanks for understanding, I’ll keep praying for you as always, but I won’t be looking for you anytime soon. Stick in there.

Something like that, at least. I’m reminded of the Rich Young Ruler, who came to Christ and wanted to follow Him:

Mark 10:21 ESV

And Jesus, looking at him, loved him, and said to him, “You lack one thing: go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.”

Jesus said to the kid (essentially): Give away all your cash and stuff, and *then* come follow. In other words – Hey! Take all the stuff that composes your IDENTITY (ie. your very LIFEBLOOD) and dump it, then follow me. For the R.Y.R., his identity was tied up in his cash and stuff, for me… I suppose my identity and my “lifeblood” has been tied up in things I sincerely (and I suppose rightly) hope to be one day: husband and father. I don’t want to respond like that kid did:

Mark 10:22 ESV
Disheartened by the saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.

So, there’s my core at this very moment. I hope it provided unnecessary insight into the inner-workings of my mind of late, but I also pray it’s a challenge to you.

Matthew 10:37-39 ESV
Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

What is your identity tied up in? What’s your very lifeblood? Are you willing to drop it and follow Christ for Christ alone if that’s what it takes? Are you willing to take your “Isaac” and put it on the altar, then pull the knife out of your back pocket and raise it?

Death’s all around me,
But now I’d rather die than follow mediocrity.
Disown my flesh, no loopholes to gain,
Strain on my face sustained.
Devotion, not a false witness.
Wake up and smell the ashes.

Martyrs, not popular charts.
Run with the rest of the masses,
I choose to stand.
-Project 86 “Run”


Note: Let’s stand. While we’re at it, let’s write really strange writings during Easter conferences. Also, everything I said in this post was said in poetic here, two days ago. That’s the only clue most of you will get to unlock it.