Current Tunage: Mars ILL – Alpha Male
“Cause I’m the Alpha, called and destined, the leader of the pack.
I’ll listen when you talk because I’ve got it like that.
Matter of fact, I’ll protect you with my life because I love you,
And carry you on my back through everything we have to trudge through.”

Apologies in advance for the length of this, but the following is essentially the product of about 6 months of struggle/reading/study. Some of it is the result of really, truly, and finally processing and “getting over” my previous relationship… which is now three years behind me, and part of it is the result of some recent developments in the strange path I call my life. Though a lot of it comes from me, I can’t really take credit. For a lot of the wording and much of the honing and sharpening of these thoughts I’m indebted to John Piper and CJ Mahaney (DesiringGod.org) and Stu Weber (”Four Pillars of a Man’s Heart”). Ultimately, I’m indebted to the Lord for his patience and faithfulness to me in my wanderings and the measure of wisdom he’s seen fit to share with me in realizing these truths through the Scriptures. I shared the bulk of this at TCF last night and I know it challenged a lot of people (myself very much included), so I wanted to capture the essence of it here as a hard copy.

So, let’s get down to it. Let’s talk singleness.

Specifically, how do we approach singleness in a way that glorifies the Lord? What does His Word say about it? Since I’m a guy, most of this will be aimed directly at the hearts of my brothers, but I trust that these truths will impact those of you who are not male also… singleness has many common threads on both sides.

The Bible deals very slimly with what the Single life ought to look like (directly at least), but it has a lot to say about what married life ought to look like. I have to begin by stating that I firmly believe that singleness needs to be seen, in some ways, as the “training ground” for marriage. For example: If we can’t be content in the Lord as single people, what makes us think we will be content in the Lord when we’re married? Most single people’s “training” for marriage consists of a long series of divorces: Date, Break Up. Repeat. Unfortunately, most Christian single people’s training looks like this too. Is it any wonder the actual divorce rates are similar across the board? So, if we consider our singleness preparation for marriage… Let’s start here, guys:

1 Peter 3:7 ESV
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Hindered prayers? Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t recall hearing about anything else that hinders prayers directly… serious stuff. Even more serious when we examine the ways in which we can apply these thoughts from Paul to our “training” in singleness.

We have to endeavor to understand women in general. Yes; their brains, chemistry, biology, and physiology are utterly and completely different from ours. Yes, attempted alone this is an impossible task… but who made woman? God did. I have a sneaky feeling He’s more than willing to aid us in this as we walk with Him. We can do “all things” through Him – especially the things that show our weakness and magnify His strength. This, I believe, is one of those things. Lean on Him and work towards making sense of them, frustrating and insane as it may seem at times. Not only do we need to “get” them, we need to live with them in a way that shows them we “get” them… to “live with them in an understanding way”. Who are the women in your life? Mother, sister(s), Sisters in Christ? Live with them in an understanding way. That’s a part of your duty as a single man. Seek the Lord and do it.

“It’s our duty to implant wisdom and patience in our stance
And it’s true that woman was made from man’s rib, so oddly
When you sin against your wife, you sin against your own body”
-Mars ILL “Alpha Male”

Let’s have a look at another passage, which ties in well to the whole notion of showing honor to the woman as a “weaker vessel” and “co-heir of the grace of life”:

Ephesians 5:25-27 ESV
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

Now, we come to the whole “issue” and “problem” of leadership/headship. It’s become a problem because… well… men haven’t been being men. We’ve allowed ourselves to become tyrants, abdicators, cowards, brutes, dunces, know-it-all’s, loners, and smotherers… not the servant kings, tender warriors, wise mentors, and faithful friends God has called us to be. We’re told to love our wives “as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her”… how did Christ do that?

Romans 5:8
“God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

We’re to love our wives sacrificially, and with the attitude and predisposition of servants. This is to be reflected in our leadership. Headship isn’t about bossing people around or telling people what to do… headship is about leading by example and going ahead. Going ahead and being the first to apologize, to “talk feelings” and be vulnerable, to pray, to self-deny, and to initiate prayer and study of the Scriptures. We’re to protect, guard, and serve in doing these things.

How does this look for those of us who are single? At the most basic level, it’s a call for us to be the ones who initiate relationships. Beyond that, we are to seek to guard the hearts of our sisters in Christ, both from things which might damage or hinder their walk with the Lord, and especially from ourselves. We are not to be wife-hunters or predators among the flock, but Christ-seeking shepherds who oversee and guide and encourage and edify. It means that as servants and brothers, we make ourselves vulnerable and put our hearts in the firing line, so that even if it means our own heart being broken, that our sister’s remain intact and untouched. It means we see Christian women not as potential wives, but first, foremost, and primarily as Sisters in Christ… and not only to see them as such, but to behave towards them as such: with respect, dignity, honor. It means we live with them in an understanding way.

I won’t be touching the whole “submission” side of things because, as Manchild from Mars ILL puts it:

“For she was made in God’s image, so I’m inclined to put her desires
And needs before me daily and see my lady as a queen
Her submission is a calling that isn’t enforced by me.”
-Mars ILL “Alpha Male”

So, in this one verse from 1 Peter 3, we have some pretty serious calls on our lives as single men: to understand women and to sacrificially honor them in all we do.

What about, you know, actually finding a spouse? I think that, taken the right way, the following verse captures the essence of what ought to be our attitude towards that “problem”:

Psalm 37:4 ESV
Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

The catch being, when you delight yourself in the Lord, His desires become your desires. You could almost read the verse like this: “Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of His heart (for you).” What does this mean? Search the scriptures and seek to understand not only your own role as a man, but also seek to understand what the Lord desires in a godly woman. Again, not to make you a more effective predator, but because what the Lord desires is what you will come to desire and delight in also. While doing that, don’t worry about finding someone. If the Lord chooses to give you someone, fantastic. If He hasn’t yet, wait and continue finding your completion, contentment, confidence, and security in Him. Give it over to Him and let Him work it out according to His will… just be ready to follow and take the lead when He makes things clear.

These things are, again, impossible for fallen man to accomplish – every single one of them. However, if you know the Lord, then you have everything you need (and more!) to accomplish these daunting tasks. Seek Him, chase Him, follow Him, love Him, know Him… and I am convinced that, by His grace, we can understand women (including our wives one day, Lord willing). Similarly, seek to know Christ who is our model of sacrificial honor and love. He went to the infinite extreme to save us, and we likewise in our dealings with women need to go to lengthy extremes to protect them from lies and deception, those who would harm them, and especially from our own attraction to them which can easily distort our behavior. As Christ put himself in the “firing line” of God’s wrath and took our punishment upon himself… whenever possible seek to do the same: through vulnerability and genuine brotherly love to place ourselves in the “firing lines” of life and take as much upon ourselves as we can to preserve and protect our sisters. Finally, as you walk with Him, wait on His timing and trust Him to direct and guide you in this area… make His desires your own as you delight yourself in Him and His ways.

Paul captures a lot of these ideas in his letter to Titus:

Titus 2:6-8 ESV
Likewise, urge the younger men to be self-controlled. Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us.

Self-control. Good works. Integrity. Dignity. Sound speech.

It’s a call on the life. How do we approach singleness in a way that glorifies the Lord? We stop wife-hunting and start Christ-seeking. We stop trying to find satisfaction in women and start finding it in Christ. We stop talking about how nonsensical women are and start listening to them and understanding them with God’s help. We start seeking to honor the Lord and our Sisters in Christ in everything we do, at our own expense and for their benefit – sacrificial self-denial.

Ultimately, the answer to what the Christian single life ought to look like is simply that it is someone who finds their everything in Christ. All else flows from that. So, in conclusion: Seek Christ and Find Your Everything in Him.

Like I said yesterday, it’s heavy stuff. Let’s make it our battle cry.

“I’ll firmly lead my household and display emotions openly
And show my people what a real man’s supposed to be…
Cause I’m the Alpha, called and destined, the leader of the pack
I’ll listen when you talk because I’ve got it like that
Matter of fact, I’ll protect you with my life because I love you
And carry you on my back through everything we have to trudge through

I challenge Alpha Males to change so you can see
A man standing there where a boy used to be”
-Mars ILL “Alpha Male”

Edit: If you live in Peterborough, or Ontario for that matter, come to this – it’s cheap for students and will be intense and good: Carpenter’s Box [PDF].

Also, Hansen’s post from today is along similar lines, so read that too.
Secondly, this post from a month ago captures some of these ideas also… just in a different form.
Finally, a post from October speaks to some of this as well.